Becoming a parent can be the most wonderful moment in a person's life. Being a parent can be a person's calling in life.

Embracing parenthood can be the most difficult thing in modern life because of three unbelievably annoying things.

                   

1. Car Seats

Those infant and toddler seats with their ever-tangling and twisting straps can zap any parent of all their patience and zest. And the seats for older kids? Really? I can't believe they are even necessary, but now they are for sale—in the name of safety! Shouldn't we wrap the kids in bubble wrap too? Wouldn't that protect them?

2. Bike Helmets

First of all, how did I survive with all the biking I did as a kid? Second, who designed bike helmets to be the most ridiculous hard hat on earth? Way to ruin biking forever.

3. Other Parents

Let's be honest: part of the reason we buy into things like car seats and bike helmets is because other parents judge. Judgedy-judge judge. Some other parents even stir up ideas like bike helmets so they can seem like awesome parents—not seeing the bigger picture, which is that they are unbearably annoying and ruining parenting for everyone.

Other than that, of course, being a parent is super fantastic. Well, if I had to add a fourth item to this list, it might be whining. Parents are the #1 group whined to, 800 years running.

                  


Photo credit: eyeliam

I have seen some crazy, over-the-top decorating in the workplace. Sometimes it seems like a Hello Kitty store exploded in a co-worker's cubicle. Other times, instead of retail decorations, people over do it with personal items like photos or photos 2.0, otherwise known as "pics."

Now I fear I am becoming that guy!

I've unpacked about 50% of my pics—mostly of my kids, but also of Betsey and I. I was so proud after I got the cubicle tape and got the pics organized on the cube wall. Then, this morning I had the fear: have I over done it? Am I less proud dad and more creepy decorator?

Here's the 50% view — one corner of my luxurious cubicle at my new job:

So, what's the verdict? Would you talk about me and my cube decor at the water cooler? Would you wonder when I will snap and shoot paper clips out of my nose?

It felt like a show-n-tell day for me at work today. I left for work with Kyan's trains in the car, which left him a little sad. So I talked to him about bringing James, Toby and Gordon into my office—promising to remember to bring them home.

Here are pictures of their adventures in my cozy work space.

First they checked out my computer.

 

Look at Toby: right clicking my mouse!

 

Then they went on a long journey on top of my cube walls.

 

They checked out my candy dish...empty.

 

Finally they got into my bag, ready to head home to Kyan.

 

"Bye James. Bye Toby. Bye Gordon!"

In my last blog post, “Who Else Wants Their Kids to Listen”, I shared a particularly frustrating situation for me. I get straitjacket crazy when my kids don’t put on their shoes so we can get out of the house.

The repeated scenario inspired my deep musing about how to get kids to listen better. Could I send them to a training class? Perhaps there is a DVD they could watch? Maybe there is a seminar marketed by Donald Trump? These sound absurd. The more I think about methods to teach better listening skills to kids, the more I realize a disheartening reality.

          There is no way to teach kids to listen.

Don’t worry. We don't need to sell them to crusty pirates just yet. There is hope. And the hope comes from my friend technology. Besides writing and bossing my kids around, I have another passion: computers. And it just so happens that toddlers are like personal computers.

Both are infinitely capable and often surprisingly quick. But they also have their slow times and can even completely freeze up. They impress us with what they can do, but frustrate us with what they can’t. It’s not fair, but when toddlers and computers show us a glimpse of their potential, we expect it all the time. We can easily forget that toddlers still need to grow up and that computers still need upgrades.

Our experience with computers during the slower functioning times might be less painful. After all, we can yell at computers with no affect on the system. We can sigh and roll our eyes without long-term emotional damage. We can see a visual cue—the hourglass icon, for instance—that tells us the computer is busy processing. So, we wait, knowing additional input like clicking and typing will NOT help matters. And, final straw, we can reboot the stubborn machine and hope for better response time after it starts up again.

Odd as it may seem, picturing a busy icon on my child’s forehead really helps. It triggers a little patience. That is tip #1, and here is the complete list of 4 Tricks to Make Kids Listen:

#1 Please Be Patient While We Process Your Request – It’s silly, but visualizing that "busy" hourglass icon helps me to be patient while my children process my input. It keeps me from overwhelming the kids with more input. Just as I refrain from excessive clicking and typing when my computer is busy, I hold back more commands to give the toddler time to think.

#2 Tone and Non-Verbals Count – Even a frustrated sigh can disrupt the processing time. It’s no secret that toddlers are heavily affected by the psychological emphasis in language: the end point. I learned as a baby-sitter how to manipulate young kids using this phenomenon. If I wanted some relief by way of a video, I would ask, “What do you want to do next: play with toys, eat dinner, or watch a video?”

That end-position is naturally emphatic and toddlers are especially affected by that, barely able to keep any option but the last in their minds. So, while a kid is processing a command, even the slightest exasperated head tilt can disrupt the thinking—because that gesture of disappointment is the new last communication and becomes foremost in their minds. Similarly, the tone used to speak a command can disrupt listening. I think the tone trumps the message. Whatever the command, a harsh tone will trump it. The harsh tone triggers emotions which dearly affect processing time.

#3 Try No Commands – My twins have recently fallen in love with me. They are all about Daddy! these days. This affection is great when I come home and get wonderful hugs. But it makes leaving tough. They see me put on a coat and they start rebelling, whining, crying or grabbing for me. And sometimes, they head to the door and grab their shoes. They are geniuses! Except that they aren’t going with me.

 
Still, the fact that they know the steps needed to get going means that I do not need to tell them at all. Telling and commanding are so often met with sassiness and insubordination that I wonder if the nature of commanding is the cause of resistant behavior. (After all, I resist when people tell me what to do, and I was once a toddler.) Instead of commands, try a quiz-like prompt, “We have to go, but what do we need to do first?” Kids respond well because they like to show parents what they know.

#4 Find Your Zen – Guidance that is anywhere near spiritual is often not received well. When I say, “Find your Zen,” you could dismiss the idea because you don’t have time for meditation poses and lotus flowers. I don’t have time for that either. But I can step outside of the frustrating moment and see it as if I were an observer.

How many times have you witnessed a parent-child conflict and thought that you could help? That you knew a better way to handle the situation? It happens to me all the time. Because I am not that parent and therefore not emotionally invested in the conflict, I can see it better and also see ways out of the conflict that the parent cannot. (But, FYI, stay away from an angry parent. They won't like your sage advice.)

When I am running late and barking out commands to rally the family and get going, I am emotionally invested in a goal. I am stuck on a desire (or two, or three) to reach my destination. In that frame of mind, I will push and push and get fired-up at any obstacle. I must get to grandpa’s!

I find my Zen by giving up those desires. You’ve heard that phrase, “If you love somebody, let them go.”

I’m advising, “If you want something, let it go.”

It is possible to let go of desire and thereby get out of the moment. You get perspective. You get that opportunity to see the parent-child conflict from the distance that allows you to see better ways out of it.

It's probably apparent by now that my tricks focus on the parents. It's just easier to control yourself.

And we don't need to be disheartened by the reality that we cannot teach toddlers to listen. We don't need to. They already know how and will get better if we let them. So, find a way to trigger some patience, use a caring tone, make a game of it, or find your Zen and you will be happier with your computer and your kids.

Much like my beloved husband wrote, I really want my children to listen.  I want to voice a request and have it understood and followed the first time.  I do not want to talk to a wall. I do not want to spend my days as the personification of insanity, always saying the same things while expecting a different result.

 

How can that be? You may ask.  You have the ability to change the results. True, but I am at a loss as to how. 

 

Here is an example of a typical conversation (or rather monologue) between me and my delightful twins who’s mission in life is to either climb, break or throw everything in their presence.

 

ME: Stop hitting your brother.

 

THEM: (stop, look at me, raise truck to hit brother).

 

ME: Stop hitting your brother (takes truck) No No!

 

THEM: (cry, look around for another truck, run after offending brother)

 

ME: (intercepting offender) No! We don’t hit. Hitting hurts! Let’s play (get bonked on the head with a truck by former victim) OW! NO NO! Time out.

 

THEM: giggle giggle.

 

ME: Come over here (dragging bodies) Sit.  Hitting is naughty. Sit til the timer dings.

 

THEM: giggle giggle.

 

(timer dings)

 

ME: Good job.  Now, be nice!

 

THEM: (hug each other and rub the other’s head in their “nice” motion)

 

ME: That’s right.  Good boys!  Let’s build a tower of blocks!

 

THEM: (Grabbing blocks) giggle giggle. WAHHH!!

 

ME: (sigh) Stop hitting your brother

 

So, what do I do?  These boys are perpetual motion machines who get a kick out of beating on each other one minute and loving each other the next. 

 

Do I just ignore their behavior and chalk it up to their puppy like qualities or do I step in with harsher consequences? Or do I surrender to the fact that I will likely be institutionalized by the time these two come of rational thinking age and it therefore really doesn’t matter what I do…I guess it’s something only time will tell!

 

"If you don't go downstairs and put on your shoes, NOW, we will never get out of this house and we'll miss dinner at grandpa's. Go. Now."

Ah, yes, every parent recognizes the "miss-out consequence" plea. We think the children will understand what they will miss and therefore snap to and get ready, out the door and into the car. I've tried it many times. After all, it's logical. Deductive; see:

All families that can't get shoes on—can't get out of the house.
Our family can't get shoes on.
Therefore, our family can't get out of the house.

Stay with me, here. There is another link in the cause and effect chain:

All families that can't get out of the house—miss dinner at grandpa's.
Our family can't get out of the house. (See above!)
Therefore, our family will miss dinner at grandpa's.

Perhaps my kids would understand my logic better if I wrote it like a math teacher:



OK, I know this logic is crazy. Many of my adult writing students don't "get" logic, especially when written in mathematical notation. So why do I keep thinking my toddlers will get it?

Truthfully, I imagine that my son does not even hear me when I try to motivate him with that beautifully logical consequences speech. See, he has Spider Man shoes. So when I say, "Hey—we have to go. Get your shoes on," he is suddenly thinking one thing and one thing only: Spider Man.

Getting ready, moving out the door, walking to the car, buckling car seats, driving 15 miles, seeing grandpa and eating dinner—are not even on his radar.


When I see him doing nothing related to shoes, I escalate to sharp staccato commands, "Kyan. Shoes. Now." And he'll lolly-gag toward the front door thinking: Spider Man.

Next thing I know, the little boy is distracted by a sippy cup and a sudden, desperate thirst. At points like this I am getting freakishly enraged, "I WILL GET YOU WATER WHEN YOU HAVE PUT ON YOUR SHOES." I force a smile and the salesman's head nod.

Even in this state, veins popping in my head, I believe the small man will see the connection. If he gets on his shoes (Spider Man), he will get the reward of a cool beverage. I really think he will get his eyes on the prize and focus on Velcro-strapping those shoes on.

Instead, I hear his whine in a familiar staccato cadence, "I. Want. Juice."

Of course he does. After several minutes of Spider Man fantasies, who could think that water would do the trick?

These are the times that I want to thank the part or parts of my brain that stop me from shoving sippy cups into unmentionable places. And I want to thank the parts of my brain that learn from my many, many mistakes as a parent. (By the way, is there a spot in the record books for most mistakes?)

I have learned, luckily, and I will share tried and true tips to get those kids to listen. But not now. I've put you through too much already. I will follow-up with the tips in a few days.

I can tell you this, though: not only will your kids' listening improve, your relationship with your computer will improve too. No extra charge. (Spider Man.)

Update: the tips are posted: 4 Tricks to Make Kids Listen.

It has been brought to my attention by my lovely children that I am a Mean, Mean Mommy sometimes.  When prompted as to why I am so horrid, I am usually treated to blank stares and a startling lack of response leading me to ponder this question myself.

What do I do to my children that is so offensive to deserve the screams and tears that they produce on a regular basis?

Do I chain them up in the basement and deny them food?

Uh, no.

Do I whoop them with a belt or a switch of their choosing when naughty?

Nope.

My offenses are much more mundane but seemingly frequent.  The following are a sampling of the abuse that I have inflicted on my children today.  Read with caution.

1. Made people take off their pajamas to leave the house.
2. Would not allow torn, too small tights to be worn with a too short dress simply because it was too Amy Winehouse for a 5 year old.
3. Cut the twins off from “num-nums” after their 3^rd breakfast.
4. Confiscated a kitchen shears that was being used to cut a graham cracker.
5. Changed pooey diapers before they had a chance to cause a raging case of Monkey Butt and thus interrupting play and general destruction.
6. Gave time outs for sibling on sibling abuse.
7. Insisted on some semblance of hygiene by enforcing the “if you wore it yesterday and slept in it you can’t wear it again today even if you’re toasty” law.
8. Allowed the baby to cry for more than two seconds while I ate breakfast much to the shock and horror of the big kids (overheard: “don’t worry she really does love you, she’s just busy.”).
9. Prematurely ended an early morning fashion show when it reached the 1 hr mark. 
10. Limited the pre-noon donut/treat/candy/sweet intake to 4 per child.

With that I will leave you so that you may recover from your shock and horror at my cruelty.

There are days when life with all these kids gets a little difficult.  Days when ears don’t work and voices work too well. Days when listening is a foreign concept and days when I feel like calling in Super Nanny to save the day.  

 

These are the days when I need to remember the cute things that make having kids enjoyable and worthwhile.  My favorites right now are what I like to call Buddy-isms, completely random, unprompted sayings—kidioms—that could only come from our little Buddy.

 

Here are some little snippets straight from Kyan’s mouth that are enough to make the worst day a little better because they are so dang cute. Enjoy!

 

“When I cry my heart breaks a little and then a little guy crawls in and fixes it with his tools and I stop crying.”

 

“My heart changed my mind.”

 

“My eyes want my big boy bed but my tummy wants my Elmo bed.”

 

“My heart loves candy, but my brain doesn’t.”

 

“I can’t go to sleep because I have toys in my eyes.”

 

“My brain is scaried of the shadows of monsters in my room.”

                        

“Can you play with me at your work Teacher Sherry?” (asked to his teacher during play time)

 

“My ice cream sandwich is hiding in my tummy.”

 

“My tummy is hungry for something with a hole in it.  A donut maybe?"

While everyone else was sleeping last night, Betsey and I stayed up and delivered a baby. Maxwell Eliot was born just shy of 3am at 2:57 on October 27, 2009. Happy Birthday Max!

He weighed in at 7 pounds 8 ounces and measured 20 inches head to toes. I was able to get these cell phone pics uploaded to the blog, but we'll have better photos from a real camera once we're home and after some sleep!

According to the words I put into the nurse's mouth, Max is the most handsome baby she has ever seen delivered at Southdale Hospital in Edina, Minnesota. We couldn't be more proud. Or more tired.

Max will not be getting a time-out since it is his birthday, but he will soon learn the sleep regimen of the Matas household. I hope.

Dad was a half hour late on the clock picture — it's our 5th baby, and I just get swept away by the cuteness!

 

We really like the one eye open pirate look. Arrg, welcome to the world, Max.

Here are some t-shirt ideas:

• H1N1 — I1!
• My family survived swine flu and all I got was this crummy t-shirt.

Yes, our house was just visited by the so called Swine Flu, also known as H1N1, and recently pronounced Hini (hiney) Flu by Jay Leno. Pronouncing H1N1 as "hiney" does offer a glimpse into certain side effects of the flu.

H1N1 is so prevalent right now that most people are expected to just stay home and deal with it. Only severe cases should require a doctor or hospital—such as uncontrollable high fever or difficulty breathing.

We have one pregnant mom and two kids under two (our twin boys), and they fall into a high-risk group (along with very old flu victims and children under five). So, they did get special attention.

The twins got TAMIFLU and antibiotics for ear infections. My wife got TAMIFLU, I.V. fluids, and some time on the internal fetal monitor to check our soon-to-be-born son's heart rate and to make sure he wasn't going to pop out right then and there.

D_Diagram_of_swine_flu_symptoms_EN.svg">Image via D_Diagram_of_swine_flu_symptoms_EN.svg">Wikipedia

When I picked-up the prescriptions for TAMIFLU for the twins (20 months old), I found out that the liquid children's version is on back-order! So I waited while the pharmacists made us a liquid version out of the adult tablets. The next day at Target, while shopping for over the counter medicine to help with fever, I was surprised to find the Tylenol and Advil shelves completely cleaned out. I knew a lot of people must be suffering the same as our family.

For us, the sore throat plagued the adults and the high fever hit the younger kids. Our 3 1/2 year old boy and 5 1/2 year old girl had minor fevers and symptoms. But the worst, for us, was the hoarse, dry, persistent cough. While sleeping or trying to sleep, the coughing would get so violent that it would wake us up. So, sleep was hard to come by.

Nonetheless, we survived. Ha! And now I am a little full of myself—hence the pompous t-shirt ideas. Really, though, we are glad to be alive. It was kind of fun to be sick together as a family. We bonded in snot and hacking phlegm. Maybe we won't need a vacation for a while!

Good luck battling the H1N1 if it comes your way. Let me know about your experiences with this flu.

If you get the soar throat, I recommend ginger. You can cut a small bit of the ginger root and chew it in your mouth for a minute or two, and swallow those healing juices. Then spit out the ginger root instead of swallowing it. Or, shred the ginger root, finely, into a pot of water and boil. Strain the tea through cheese cloth, or just a paper towel, and sip lovely ginger tea, which is said to heal your mouth, throat, esophagus and stomach.

If you have other tips and remedies, please post them in the comments.

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